by Genevieve Springer

In her book, High Call, High Privilege, veteran pastor’s wife Gail MacDonald writes about one of the first pastorates she and her husband Gordon shared in the early years of their marriage. Gordon was attending seminary in Denver at the time, and he accepted a call to a rural church on the prairies of northwestern Kansas. For Gail, an easterner, a city woman, this church truly provided a cross-cultural experience. She was young; the congregation was made up of mostly middle-aged and older people.  She was college educated; few of the church members had any schooling beyond high school. She was used to eastern culture and reserve; these parishioners reflected the mindset of their western upbringing. Perhaps most obvious was her urban lifestyle, which contrasted sharply with the rural culture of western Kansas. In her new context,

Gail learned to garden, watch out for rattlesnakes, free up frozen windmills, and bid at country auctions. Along with these practical skills, Gail learned about people. She discovered that relating to people in ministry is often a cross-cultural experience. Ministry wives (and their husbands) need to connect to entire congregations who usually reflect a broad age range, socio-economic diversity, different church and family backgrounds, and hopefully, different ethnicities. To be effective, it is essential to learn to build bridges across these cultural divides.

In my own experience as a ministry wife, I have, with my husband, served churches in suburbia, in an inner city, in a small town, and in metropolitan Chicago. I am currently on a pastoral staff myself, serving a church in an academic community. In these varied ministry experiences, I have learned to appreciate differences and value perspectives other than my own. ( I grew up in rural America in a church populated mainly by farmers and their families.) Interestingly, I’ve discovered that one of the best tools to build bridges to those whose lives have been so different from my own is to appeal to the qualities of being human that are universal. Let me recommend three skills or habits that I’ve found particularly useful.

1. Develop your skill as a conversationalist. Learn to ask thoughtful questions that reflect an interest in others. Find out about their pasts; inquire about places lived, jobs and hobbies, spiritual insights, families. Learn about their present activities, their concerns and dreams for the future. Become a curious listener, eager to uncover the uniqueness of each person you meet. Read books on developing conversational skills.

(Navpress has a good book of conversational questions titled 201 Great Questions by Jerry Jones.)

2. Learn to affirm others by discovering their strengths and areas of giftedness. Develop the habit of noticing others’ efforts and achievements. Be a cheerleader of people. We are all drawn to those who believe in us. During my first experience as a ministry wife, my husband served as a youth pastor. The wife of the senior pastor at our church believed in my gifts far more than I did, and she constantly affirmed me and challenged me to do things I didn’t think I could do. I was stretched and grew enormously because she was able to recognize my giftedness. I once related her influence on me to a mutual friend, Mary. In response, Mary said, "I know, she’s such a champion of people." What a wonderful habit for persons in ministry—to be champions of people.

3. Be authentic. One of the myths regarding ministry wives is that they have to be such perfect examples of Christian womanhood that they can’t be themselves. Perfection, however, intimidates people, while authenticity draws others and frees them to grow and learn. Swiss psychologist Dr. Paul Tournier taught that when we refuse to be authentic, we lock others into their despair because it appears to them that they alone struggle with the problems of life. In her book, Open Heart, Open Home, Karen Mains tells of an experience that taught her the value of authenticity. Her husband pastored a church that owned no building, so weekday meetings often took place in their home. She engaged in frantic efforts to keep her home perfectly clean and organized, a requirement, she thought, for good pastors’ wives. One day she was so overwhelmed with the constant pressure that she left the coffee cups from the last meeting on the table, the newspapers on the floor. She was curled up on the couch reading a good book when the doorbell rang. It was a woman from the church. Karen resisted apologizing, not wanting to embarrass the woman for dropping by unannounced. Instead, she graciously welcomed her into the cluttered house. The woman’s response astonished Karen: "I used to think you were perfect, but now I think we can be friends." As a result of that remark, Karen let go of her pretentious need to have a perfect house, and developed a wonderful ministry of hospitality. "Beautifully decorated homes and well-served food are fine," she writes, "but it is the quality of relationships that count."

Being married to a minister means sharing in the wonderful experience of bridging over cultural and personal differences to discover the enriching relationships that characterize the family of God.